dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
