I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
