now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize