So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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