Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
