Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
