To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
