She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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