And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
