Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
