My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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