i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
