I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
