Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
