Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
