I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
