Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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