No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
