I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
