did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
