Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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