My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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