I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
