So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
