i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
