I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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