he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
