I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize