I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
