At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
