did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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