Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
