He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
