forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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