I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
