So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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