:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
