RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
