I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
