then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize