Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize