There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
