Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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