So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
