My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
