i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
