On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
