i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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