I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
