Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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