OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
