I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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