there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have feelings that need drinking.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize