I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
