Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
