i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
