my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
