Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
