I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
